I especially procrastinated with writing this, I avoided speaking, but I have to dump it out. Let those who deride the eating disorders know that this matter is not funny or worthy of pity. This is a very serious thing that takes the joy from the simplest activities for many years.
The last time I said that everything is moving towards good, I told the truth. I felt better and better, I thought I could (with the approval of a psychiatrist) discontinue medication. It happened, I stopped to take drugs, but it was related by the way with a variety of ailments that forced me to unsympathetic visits to the hospital (seriously, I hate needles. Always scream like a pig being slaughtered).
Anyway, to the point.
With the discontinuation of the drug, which has been the part of my body -and bloodstream primarily haha- for many years, I became much weaker and more prone to all the pain around me. Self-esteem fell the most in that all… The amount of stresses was still growing, and I felt overwhelmed. It seemed as if each another information, each additional minute wanted to kill me.
My biggest flaw and sin is gluttony. Yes, I licketh like a pig, and I even have a similar food culture when I’m stressed. I really really avoided nausea guzzling, but now, after this few days I feel like I’ve eaten the whole pregnant hippo before.
Buying pants in the glorious tiny size doesn’t help with the feeling that I’m a sagged fat cow. It sits in my head and refuses to be silenced. I know that from day to day it’s impossible to make visible my “over-eaten sadness”, but I can’t help. At the moment when I thought about what I ate and IN WHAT FUCKING QUANTITIES